Life without Hope is a Life without Meaning.

27.5.10

Pardon me for the trip down nostalgia isle people but recently, I have been haunted by the guilt of not fulfiling a promise I had made to the missus during our courtship days. A promise that reads; Let's go explore all the wonders of our sunny island. A promise I had found tremendously difficult to uphold given the combination of lame excuses like a lack of motivation and more conveniently, time shortage as well as my lady's big heart at overlooking this procrastinating side of me. But recently whilst reading, I stumbled upon a quote by Samuel Butler stating that oaths are but words and words but wind and that opened the floodgates for the waves of guilt to come roaring in. It was then did I start to reflect and realize there are more to a relationship than just making promises for the sake of it. More often than not, words are just the onset of a process of building trust with your partner. And trust is the basis to the foundation of every sturdy relationship. Like Aeschylus once said, it is not the oath that makes us believe the man, but the man the oath. As such, I decided to put aside everything and start making good my word in order to cement my commitment in this relationship. First stop, Singapore Zoological Gardens on 26 May 2010.

It felt more like homecoming than a visit back to my former education grounds ever did. Perhaps given my all-time ambition of a naturalist, it's because I relate better to animals than I ever will with teachers, peers and the likes. Nevertheless, the visit to the zoo was superb and the icing on the cake was the company. I can never ask for a better companion than the one I already have. Anyways, do have a look some snapshots of the sights we encountered that day and well, it is understandable if you do feel a tinge of jealousy at your heartstrings. You ought to.

Till the next time then everyone. Cheers!

14.5.10

God sent children to the world because it needed the light that only a child can bring.

11.5.10

Dear all,

After a long period of absence, I've finally found the motivation to unearth this blog from the dead and here I am again. I know it ainT often that you associate this link with words and personal insight of my life but today, let me make it an exception.

If I had not mentioned it yet, yesterday, 10 May 2010, marked the final day of my stint in the National Service. It has been a journey full of turbulence, being thrust from my comfort zone into a life in which most males have no wish to undergo. I can tell you, every step along the way has the potential of tripping you up and leaving you face flat on the ground before you know it, and I assure you, it was NEVER easy. But from where I stand now, I am surprised to see the results of the reflections of my journey in the army as such. The government always maintain that National Service is where boys turn into men and as I once scorned this belief, I now understand what they are driving at. As Anais Nin was quoted saying, "Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.", when I first entered the force, it was as if I had died. I was lost and confused with the prospect of surviving the 'sentence' seemingly bleak. But it was only at my first bookout that I realized that being deprived of something I had taken for granted for ages made me open my eyes to the world. Like what Bernice Johnson Reagon has mentioned, "Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." Only then did I understand there is much more to life than the little world I had been living in for the past 19 years. It was then that I decided to not let life's challenges daunt me and instead use it to my benefit and discover the inner strength that lies within. Whatever is thrown at me, I will just dodge and if it succeeds in knocking me over, I'll pick myself up, dust off and continue on. It was with this mindset that has carried me through the difficulties until today. And that was Lesson No. 1 which NS has taught me.

Lesson 2 opened my eyes and mind to the world around me and the people living in that world. My parents strongly believe that a person is made up of his/values and character and as such, I've been brought up in a civilized manner with such traits being inculcated deeply into my roots. Not to sound rude or perhaps conceited in any way, but it was indeed a shocking experience when I found myself living in close quarters with individuals from all walks of life. Through this though, I've found that not everyone is as fortunate as you and I. Some of them are fiercely prideful of their 'shortcomings' and some are just defeated by it but one thing for sure, their needs are just like ours. I learnt that beneath every hardened expression is a soft heart waiting for someone who cares enough to penetrate the external layer to find out the person within. And when you do that, you'll find that you've probably just found a friend for keeps. There were other colorful characters dotting my NS cycle too. Most are egocentric enough that you'll find which the only alphabet they know is 'I' and their best friend is a mirror. Some are experienced bootlicker, polishing their way to superior appointments and additional benefits. A couple are just so plain old weird that I even wonder if they're from this planet. They are the ones that showed me how false walls look like, how it is possible to be always heard but never seen, and how little some relationships can mean to them when faced with the dilemma of 'sacrificing the rest to save myself.' But come to think of it all, they were what made life in army so full of booms and bangs, lights and colors.

The final lesson I took away from this experience is that no matter how terrible life may seem at that point in time, it is crucial to stay true to myself. The path may seem inviting to follow when you see others sucking up to superiors and reaping all the benefits. And yes, there is nothing wrong with doing what's best for oneself but what if the superiors' doings are just not right and you know it? Will you close one eye and still follow him like a dog, wagging its tail and waiting to be fed? Or will you stand up for what is right? Well, all you need to do is ask yourself this, "What different are you from him if you follow in his footstep?" I was once told that this is a dog-eat-dog world and to survive, you have to be the biggest dog or you can bask in his glory. I know for a fact that I'm not the alpha male in the pack, but the values inculcated in me taught me to stay away from anything that I do not believe in. This way, even if by standing up against him will incur his wrath, at least you know you've stayed true to your beliefs and that nothing will sway you. That in itself is a lesson in mental toughness.

As much as I hate to admit it, NS did its job in my metamorphosis in life. There are lessons to be learnt in it that you'll be hard-pressed to find in the outside world. Indeed, people do grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. I've been through the toughest spell of my life and conquered it. Time for the next adventure to unfold!

And before i sign off, here's a list of fantastic people whose efforts made it possible:

Oreo gang. You guys have been my pillar of strength in camp and excellent mates for canteen breaks, PT sessions, and other random activities. Thank you for making the bunk not seem as cold and unappealing as it is when none of you is around. Thank you for the fun and laughters anywhere and everywhere. And thank you for being there at all times. Let's all drop our lives for one day and off to Ubin we'll go. Who's with me?

PKS brothers. Brothers, it's been 5 years since we've known each other but still, it's amazing to see how we always manage to pick things off from where we left them. To Kheng Loon, my ex-bunkmate and future NIE-mate, thanks for the times when we can just lie on our respective beds and just talk about anything and everything. Thanks for being my support and also my listening ear. Happy ORD anyways! To Sean, my random commrade-in-arms, thanks for organizing the outings that allowed us to foster the bond we all share. Your belated (pardon us for that) birthday celebration is next, wait for it. To Jonathan, thanks for always extending your invitation to your place for random chit-chat and chilling sessions. Meet up for supper soon alright? To Nesh, thanks for always livening up each PKS outing with your exchanges with Loon. It always enjoyable to have a hearty laugh away from army life. Hang in there and I'll see you in NIE, and of course at Sean's birthday celebrations.

Wanpin & family. You are just like my second family. All the times you've graciously accomodated me into your home and listened to my complaints, I seriously cannot find the words to adequately express my gratitude. All I can say is thank you for the constant support and now let me do my part in enriching the lives of your two little angels. I've missed quite a bit in their growth and development but I believe it still ainT too late. Let's start with equipping them with the best education possible first and then we'll tackle enrichments in time to come.

Carina. Mummy, thank you for everything. For the past 5 years, you've been like a dumping ground for me to empty my emotions, my problems and my worries. You just do not realize how important your listening ear was in the first year of NS. It's what kept me sane and ticking properly. Although you may have handed over this duty to mei mei for the past 9 months plus, never undermine the power of your support. Remember, I'm here too whenever you need an outlet. For the record, I still owe you an ice-cream. Validity till month end only though.

Juehui. Baby! My best friend, my soulmate, my love, my one & only, my everything. The moment you stepped into my life is probably the time when all my worries disappeared. That is when I know whatever problems I have, there is someone there to support me through them and assure me that come what may, I'm not alone. Your texts, forever high in sugar content, can naturally induce a smile and are the only stimulus for me to function. Your nightly phonecalls gave me something to look out for during the day. Our weekend getaways provide not only motivation to act rationally in camp in times of tension but also a source of memories to look back to for the week. Your antics made me laugh, your words warmed my heart and basically just about everything of you lifted me up like no other. 'Thank you' these two words hardly do justice to you. I'm forever indebted to you and now, let me use actions to pay it off. I love you.

My beloved family. They say blood runs thicker than water. Now i truly understand it. I've seen your pain in my pain and I realize my actions have not just an impact on myself but also yours. I apologize for making you victims to the constant stream of verbal assault each weekend. I apologize if I'd been in a foul mood and had hurt you by accident. I apologize for being the unreasonable brat and demanding things my way in the past. And most importantly, I apologize for taking you all for granted. I am a changed person now. I thank you for accomodating me at all times. In fact, thank you for making me the person I am now. I owe my life to you all and nothing I do will ever clear my debts. Just let me do what I can whilst I can.

My fellow NS mates, commanders and troopers alike, we've sweat, bled and suffered together. Thank you for the memories. Happy ORD to you guys!

And of course, finally to the many other individuals who made a difference. Thank you all.

With that, I'm out.

Yours sincerely,

J K Tan, Daryl.